Captain Hildebrand: These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first. Frank Burns: Zing! "Trapper John" McIntyre: Hey, listen: I don't like a movie, I get up and leave. Col. Sherman T. Potter: Nope. Major Margaret Houlihan: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty! Major Franklin Marion Burns: [eating with Margaret] Foul Mouths! Hawkeye: Imprints of which may be found on General MacArthur's backside. Maxwell Klinger: Oh I hope so, sir. Col. Sherman T. Potter: I guess we both realize you're no Radar. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. Hawkeye: I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma. Kwang Duk: [sighs] We've got no bananas, no rum, and no blender, sir, and only powdered cream. 's house and clean out his gutters. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tish Tosh! Sleeeeeeep. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Hawkeye: Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change? Luther Rizzo: With the help of a friend. I can take it! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? Hawkeye: Oh, you'll love it. : Okay, it's your turn. Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Why THAT milk you were asking for all morning. Col. Potter: When the major hears about this, he's going to sneeze a brick! B.J. No. B.J. Hawkeye: And now... the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick. He wants us to surrender! Think about it carefully. Here you go. Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, what is it? Margaret: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still, would be breaking them up. Klinger: I told you about them on the phone. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton. Busy as a beaver! Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll stroll up to the front and see how the shooting's going! Is this a drill, colonel? Major Charles Winchester: Winchesters do not spy. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees. Col. Potter: [to Hawkeye, drunk] Why are they bombing us? Lt. PA Announcer: Attention, Major Robbins report for emergency surgery. Hawkeye: "Kim Luck"? No. Hunnicut: There's this little rest - little restaurant in Sausalito where a seagull sits on the windowsill. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Pervert! Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? You know what I mean? Cpl. Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I happen to think stealing is worse than lying. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine! The baby is Su Yong. I said "with one of my doctors?" [laughs] Aw, shut up! Some day this little shootout is going to end, and when this Johnny comes marching home, it will be with a screwdriver in his hand. : You know, I really can't wait to see the place. Margaret: Those two, they're ruining this war, for all of us! Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes? Capt. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Let 'em get their inflatable pool and swim fins an hour later. Hawkeye: Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war. I had been. Hawkeye, Trapper: A Yankee Doodle Doctor?! Major Margaret Houlihan: [Looking lovingly at the flowers] Anemones. Father Francis Mulcahy: What can I say, Hawkeye. Hawkeye: [writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. Pvt. Army Capt. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody. Major Margaret Houlihan: There's a crisis. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia. Just a minute now. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk. : Play this on your mimeograph machine: Lieutenant Radar O'Reilly. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers. Capt. OK, OK. Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, my dear man. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice. Cpl. B.J. Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Since when have you been promoted to me? Hawkeye: [referring to Col. Flagg who just jumped through a window] The Wind just broke its leg. And step on it. Just don't use the gun. Sweeney: Hell, I should've known better than to give any kind of responsibility to a dummy. Capt. I couldn't even think it. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who would name their kid BJ? Isn't she incredible? Hawkeye: [wanting this guy off of his back] Oh, no, you don't want to do that - I'm very boring, and besides, I write everything in prescription. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad. Col. Potter: [referring to a drink] I could use a belt. At my draft board, the guy next to me says, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater." Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles, how come you never sweat? Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? M.P. If we didn't have such a terrific union here I'd put in my two week notice. That didn't make me any better or worse, just different. I can't go in there! : You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? Maj. Sidney Freedman: Oh sure, it's the little battlefields, a pond, the bedrooms, the school yard, that leave the biggest scars. Where'd we get the kosher salami? Capt. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night. Henry Blake: [cleaning his new oak desk] I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood this is. Hawkeye: Oh. He then mimics Potter's voice to the captain] What in the name of Sweet Fanny Adams is going on? [She looks around, confused, then jogs away]. Klinger, she's a nurse? [pours Kwang some whiskey]. Schaeffer: [Klinger and Capt. Major Margaret Houlihan: Come on! Capt. How about some stories before we rejoin the ladies? Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Colonel Flagg: [snatching the paper from Charles] It's for me. Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] Figaro, figaro figaro figaro. And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts.". B.J. [referring to Margaret and Frank, after they had inadvertently help Hawkeye and Trapper]. : Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check. Hawkeye: [seeing Margret using an electric neck massager on Frank] Behind every great man, there is a woman with a vibrator. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [Still drunk, after his temperance lecture falls apart] Have I ever told you folks the one about the prodigal son? Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm afraid I have a bad appendix. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain! Capt. Capt. The epitamy of the vintner's art. Col. Sherman Potter: And no one's going to find out. You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us? Capt. In the mean time, vamoose. Cpl. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. Capt. Capt. I love a parade. Hunnicut: You mean have I ever strayed? I'll tell you what, if you can stand being in a get-up like that for another 24 hours, you are the craziest man I've ever met. I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. : I'll miss YOU. I react. Major Margaret Houlihan: Frank, give them a direct order. Capt. Is that what all you cretins think? Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. Colonel Carmichael: If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef. Radar: Hey! B.J. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tell me you know what it feels like to have your child grow up without parents. Capt. Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Is it OK if I use the officer's latrine? Margaret: I need army discipline. This is serious. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. They're expecting him. Capt. Hawkeye: Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it. Feel my chest. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [walking in on the giant mess that Frank has created in her tent] Frank! Maj. Frank Burns: Let me remove it. Major Margaret Houlihan: Move over. Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good. Cpl. Hawkeye: [answering a letter from a boy whose brother died in Korea] Dear Ronnie, it's not a good idea to let the love you have for your brother turn into hate. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash. Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf. Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
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